My (not so) Hidden Agenda

I picked my manuscript back up. It is an on again off again relationship with it. I tend to be all or nothing, and will be all in for awhile and then lose focus. As I delve deeper and deeper into the enneagram (raise your hand if you are as obsessed as I am!), I am learning so much about myself. The weaknesses of who I am are especially insightful. In typical enneagram two fashion, I tend to let the needs of the people that I love suffocate my own needs. Frankly, I use that as an excuse too often as well. Last week we hugged our oldest son goodbye for at least a month. He boarded a plane to Europe, landed in Denmark, where he will stay a bit before moving on to Sweden, and possibly Portugal. He is chasing some big soccer dreams, and is at the beginning of a huge crossroad. I am so excited to watch his future unfold, and inspired watching him pursue the dreams of his childhood. Before he left, he made me promise to keep chasing my own dream of publishing a book one day. I want to see my children flourish in their dreams, but I believe that they need to see their mama flourishing in hers as well. So, after making that promise, I metaphorically dusted off the manuscript and got back to work. I joined a writing group that is challenging me to write five hundred words a day, and so far, so good. For the first time in almost fourteen years I am finding myself home alone during the weekdays, with no kids to take care of or home school. It’s a good time to write, and the excuses are disappearing.

But why am I blogging? One of the reasons that I allow myself to use the needs of others to neglect my own when it comes to writing is how cut throat the publishing market is. I will be earnest for a bit, and then the reality of the world that I want to jump into sinks in, and I get scared. The truth, from my research, is that publishers, and agents alike, are not looking for quiet, little introverted homebodies who find their voice in writing over talking. I am beginning to think that I was born in the wrong publishing era. It seems as if everyone is looking for writers with a platform, and if the writer is also bubbly and engaging in person, well that is a bonus. I cannot change my personality. I cannot make myself extroverted and a dynamic public speaker, but I can work on a platform as I continue to write my manuscript. At one time, I had a good blog following – back when it was trendy to blog and I spewed a lot of stuff that I no longer even believe. So my motive in blogging is not entirely pure. I need you to come here and read, so that I can rebuild some kind of platform – something that will at least put me inside the pack when the time comes to hire an agent.

I think that I still have a lot to say. It is just different now. I am no longer a mommy blogger. I am no longer certain about so many things that I once was. I am no longer dogmatic about adoption, or willing to exploit my kids for some decent blog traffic. I worry that inspiration won’t come, or that I will keep pushing this dream down for the rest of my life. But right now, today, I am willing to fight for it again. It just might be a series of todays that gets us to the someday where our dreams are fulfilled. So maybe this will be a symbiotic relationship, you can help me build up a platform, and perhaps something I write will resonate with you. I like the connection that writing brings. Writing is one of the only ways I have ever felt like I could affect the world around me, and it helps me unwind my heart and find my way. And maybe, just maybe, we can find our way together in this little space.

What is your dream? Is it unleashed or is it suffocating?

Here’s to the dreamers – I believe in us.


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Little brothers talking to their big brother who is chasing a big dream in Europe.



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